An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition, and his wife in the country.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Love will never be ideal until man recovers from the illusion that he can be just a little bit faithful or a little bit married.

Marriage: a souvenir of love.

Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's punishment has been to supply a man with food then suffer the consequences when it disagrees with him.

Before marriage, when a woman speaks to a man in an undertone, he calls it "cooing"; after marriage, he calls it nagging.

Estimated from a wife's experience, the average man spends fully one-quarter of his life in looking for his shoes.