I still feel like I gotta prove something. There are a lot of people hoping I fail. But I like that. I need to be hated.

I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring.

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

Set about doing good to somebody. Put on your hat and go and visit the sick and poor of your neighborhood; inquire into their circumstances and minister to their wants. Seek out the desolate and afflicted and oppressed. . . I have often tried this method, and have always found it the best medicine for a heavy heart.

There are a lot of so-called "good Americans" who are really a bunch of bums.

My show was revolutionary, ground-breaking. When I came on the scene, people were not doing a thing.