(on Warner Brothers) This studio has more suspensions than the Golden Gate Bridge.

Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.

Physically, I’m not tough. I may think tough. I would say I’m kinda tough and calloused inside. I could use a foot more in height and fifty more pounds and fifteen years off my age and then God help all you bastards.

"The whole world is three drinks behind. If everyone in the world would take three drinks, we would have no trouble. If Stalin, Truman and everybody else in the world had three drinks right now, we’d all loosen up and we wouldn’t need the United Nations.

I hate funerals. They aren't for the guy who's dead. They're for the guys who are left alive and enjoy mourning.

I always cry at weddings, especially my own.

(on Katharine Hepburn) She talks at you as though you were a microphone; she lectured the hell out of me on temperance and the evils of drink. She doesn't give a damn how she looks. I don't think she tries to be a character. I think she is one.