Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.

If I fell into a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb

I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.

Roy Keane's like a shark. He has those eyes. You don't know if he is going to buy you a drink or eat you.

My wife runs the house much better than I could so I think she could be a linesman or a referee or even a football manager and that's the truth.

If you're a burglar, it's no good waiting about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy.

To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee.