I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season!

My ceiling's broken, my car's got a puncture and we've just lost two matches. But I've got my health and I'll ask the big man upstairs why he didn't give us a point.

I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!

I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.

Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.

He's going to be what?! Oh for God's sake. Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird.

If I fell into a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb