I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!

Managing a league club is like making love to a mermaid... you should always be aiming for a top half finish

I don’t see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose that's one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they’d have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin.

Sepp Blatter and all of them lot Mr Platini I know he was a good player but he aint very good at what he does, I don’t think. I think he’s useless you can quote me on that.

It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake.

Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.

The dietician is going to get rid of that when he comes in. Although, first, we've got to get a dietician.