As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.