Modesty is my best quality.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.