I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.