I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.