A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.