A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.