Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.