I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.