I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Modesty is my best quality.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.