I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Modesty is my best quality.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.