I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.