I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!