There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Modesty is my best quality.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.