Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.