The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.