It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.