No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.