How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.

Modesty is my best quality.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.