I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.