I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.