Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.