Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue to vote the way they do.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.