I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.