The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me.