It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future.

I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.