I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.