People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones.

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Predictions are preposterous.