People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Predictions are preposterous.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.