People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening at the moment. My material is as new as anything on the dinner table.

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.