Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the lowlife's partner.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!