I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.