I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.

All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

I regularly sell out more in England than I do in America.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.