I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels of immorality.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.