Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.

All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.