Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.

Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

Predictions are preposterous.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.