I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

I've found that my humor goes over big in London.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be presented along with what actually is the news.

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.