Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.