I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.

President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?

When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend

Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.

President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.

Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations.

Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has.