Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.

If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?

Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.

If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself.