Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.

They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'

Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.

Well, all across the country, this is kind of sad, unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It's gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can't function. I got an idea. Why don't you hire more people? They're right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

The worst thing about losing this job: I’m no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for ObamaCare.