I love all these politicians, they all say the same thing - 'We'll give California back to the people.' Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything, they want to give it back to us.

Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house.

Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!

On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.