My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.