I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I model irregular clothing.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.