I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.