I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.