I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.