If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all.

I don't care about anybody's perception of me except for the audience.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.