If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.

George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."

It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.

There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting.