She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays.

[Joan Rivers] is fantastic. AND SHE'S 80! There's no 80-year-old pitcher. If you're a running back and you're 28 they're like, "Oh, here he goes, turning the corner on his career, he's on the downswing..."

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.