If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.

If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.

True Yankees are born, not made.

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.