I didn't want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren't strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That's not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

[George Carlin] was obsessive about time; he was obsessive compulsive about his material and making things shorter and more perfect. He did an HBO hour every other year. It's live; you have to be off-stage at 55 minutes. It's a network; you've got to be off. And it's perfect.

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?