You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

I had a calling, this is what happened, I've explained the story many times. I've had my priest on, I've had atheists on. When I explain my conversion to atheists, my personal series of events, they go, "Oh, alright."

Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "pretty good," then I've completely failed. I think every comic should think that.

You could teach [George] Carlin in college. It's the construction of the word and the order of things and how they go. How all those sentences are timed perfectly.

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting.

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.