You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all.

Long Island always seems to be the hardest place for some reason. There are always excuses. People will say, "Well, there's a lot to do in Long Island..." but you know what, if Jim Gaffigan was here, tickets would be gone a month ago, if Chelsea Handler was at the Barclays Center, gone.

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.

As far as in my career, I don't know what other form there is. I would love to do a talk show.