Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, "It was pretty good." If anyone thinks my show was "pretty good," then I've completely failed. I think every comic should think that.

If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays.

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

I don't know how you do it [working at office]; I would just get up and walk out. That's what I did for pretty much every job I've ever had.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.