All I can do when I'm on stage is do a show where when I come back into town they cannot possibly afford to miss the show because they remember how fun it was.

I don't have a nine-to-five brain.

Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.

If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.

I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.