All I can do when I'm on stage is do a show where when I come back into town they cannot possibly afford to miss the show because they remember how fun it was.

It's always a job when you're the reason they're assembling. If you're just doing shows and you're on a lineup with eight other guys, it's fun, it's great.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.

What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.