The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.

Being on a ship is something like being pregnant. You can sit there and do absolutely nothing but stare at the water and have the nicest sense that you are accomplishing something.

In the beginning, we made the usual mistake of looking at houses we could afford. I am working on a proposition, hereafter to be known as Kerr's law, which states in essence: All the houses you can afford to buy are depressing.

Years ago when a man began to notice that if he stood up on the subway he was immediately replaced by two people, he figured he was getting too fat.

People only call you 'my dear' when they are irritated with you.

It takes at least one to make a marriage.