Years ago when a man began to notice that if he stood up on the subway he was immediately replaced by two people, he figured he was getting too fat.

I once truly believed that if I had to stand in line for twenty minutes to have a package gift-wrapped it actually gave the recipient more pleasure.

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite.

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

I think if you can write a play, or produce a play, the first step toward success [is] if people don't want to kill themselves in the lobby. Now there must be four or five other steps, but that's the first.

I'm not so sure it's so civilized to be civilized all the time.

To me having a party is something like having a baby. The fact that you got through the last one alive is not somehow sufficiently reassuring now.